* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? he’s all right now.

* The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

* When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

* We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

* If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.

* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

* A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

* The optometrist fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself. [That's a story that lens itself.]

* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

* A backward poet writes inverse.

* In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

* A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

* With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I’ll show you A-flat miner.

* When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum Blown apart.

* You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

* He broke into song because he couldn’t find the right key.

* A boiled egg is hard to beat.

* He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

* His parents thought he was a budding genius, but he turned out to be a blooming idiot.

* A plateau is a high form of flattery.

* Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

* When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

* When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

* Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

* Acupuncture: a jab well done.

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real notes written by parents in an ALABAMA school district. Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2 Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc’s john being ****absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.**

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre… dyrea …. direathe… the shits. **

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday.He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don’t know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17. Sally won’t be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because shehad a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sisterwas also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.