Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you’ll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD -40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

Dear World:

The United States of America, your quality supplier of ideals of liberty and democracy, would like to apologize for its 2001-2008 service outage.

The technical fault that led to this eight-year service interruption has been located, and the software responsible was replaced Tuesday night, November 4. Early tests of the newly-installed program indicate that we are now operating correctly, and we expect it to be fully functional by mid-January.

We apologize for any inconvenience caused by the outage, and we look forward to resuming full service — and hopefully even to improve it in years to come.

Thank you for your patience and understanding,

The USA